The Importance of Commitment

When I interview prospective coaching clients, I screen out the resentful and the apathetic. You have to be willing to commit to accomplish. We’re all committed to something, but that something is not always what we pretend to be committed to . And if what you’re committed to is anger and disappointment, that’s going to be what you get. That is a client who will fail at his pretend goal and succeed at his real one.

On the other hand, if you are committed enough to replace “wishing” with “intending,” that’s the rocket fuel to success. Your fears and doubts will fail and become ever weaker and fainter voices in you head. And YOU will succeed.

Building Intimacy with the No-Shame Apology

The practice of trashing someone and then saying, “bless her heart,” to sanctify the badmouth is a kind of regional joke we laugh about and don’t actually do.

But who among us has not received an “apology” that is basically a long-winded, self-justification and personal attack, capped off with “All Best Wishes” or “Namaste” as if dressing up an insult in a tutu spiritualizes it.

A real apology is not about self-demeaning, but it is about sharing the recognition that one’s words or actions harmed another, making amends, even if the harm was inadvertent, and changing one’s actions moving forward. A real apology includes ownership of the mistake. So should never begin with “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” (when you know you did)  or “I’m sorry that you took it the wrong way.”

A real apology takes both responsibility and empathy. You will only be able to take responsibility without feeling shame i(or projecting your shame on the other) if you  apply compassion to yourself. So, the first thing to do is apply self-empathy.

What need were you trying to meet what you made that mistake? What would have been a better way to meet that need? What underlying erroneous belief might have been driven your original choice? What would be a more resourceful belief on which to base your actions?

Once you find the mistaken thought that drove the mistaken action, and forgiven yourself, you’ll be able to reach out in a way that is much more likely to result in healing, peace, and in the case of close personal relationships, increased trust and intimacy.

An apology is about actually wishing someone all the best. It’s about actually greeting the other soul to soul, where we are one. It’s about honoring both people and strengthening the relationship, whatever it may be- friend, lover, spouse, whomever.

I think it is of the utmost important to teach the fine art of apology to our children. This is how they will learn to grow past selfishness, to become fully mature people, capable of true friendship, It’s part of teaching them to be good citizens and it’s how we build a culture of civility, kindness, and peace.

Get Emotional, Then Get Practical

Just got engaged? Congratulations! Go ahead, get all emotional. Then, get practical. There’s only one other person besides you and your fiancé who HAS to be there. So on your checklist, first book the venue. Then book your officiant. Call me! (540) 577-8854

 

Wedding Wire Award

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I’m so happy and grateful that this week, I won the Wedding Wire Couple’s Choice Award for Wedding Officiation for the second year in a row! This award goes to the top 5% of wedding professionals nationwide in the Wedding Wire Community, as based on reviews by couples, so is is a real honor and I deeply appreciate it. Thanks so much to all the couples for your kind support. <3 <3

A Touch of Class

It’s important to consider how your date responds to your talents and successes. Does he encourage and support you? Or does he derive his sense of well-being from devaluing others, including you?

Offering a positive model: George Clooney’s light, graceful, and totally cool response at the Globes and in an after show interview. He enthusiastically demonstrated his respect and admiration for wife Amal. as reported by Jenelle Riley of Variety.

“He was a good sport about hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler opening the show with a joke about how he was getting a Lifetime Achievement award despite the amazing accomplishments of his new wife. “I didn’t even think that was a joke,” he said, before adding, “Listen, Tina and Amy kill me. I think they’re the best hosts of this show I’m sorry they’re not going to do it again.”

Observe and listen. Is he gallant? Encouraging? A selfish man is a man with a very fragile ego. He will often bait the target of his conquest with flattery and then, once he feels he has secured her commitment to him, begin a devaluing process to assure himself that he is the man he wishes he were: Top Boss, and in control of everyone, as if they were his possessions. Do not be impressed by overzealous compliments and do not tolerate putdowns, whether direct or indirect (left-handed compliment, sarcasm, unsolicited inventory or advice calculated to make you doubt yourself).

A man doesn’t have to be wealthy, famous, wear a tux to fancy dinners, or look like a modern Cary Grant to show his class. He only needs to have a decent sense of who he is, be kind, and act like a gentleman.
#datingcoach #coachforwomen #selfishmen #narcissists #redflags #onlinedating

 

Dating Advice for Women: Self-Protection 101: Listen

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Sometimes a predator alert can be as simple as listening to the words a man says and taking them seriously, rather than as a joke. In other words, believe what you hear. Don’t dismiss it and don’t rationalize it. The selfish man has no conscience and will not feel genuine remorse. But sometimes, he will blurt out his truth on impulse, when he has nothing left to lose, for an ego thrill, or as a kind of manipulation. “If I say the truth,” he figures, “it will sound so preposterous that people will be disarmed by it and believe the opposite.” When done by public people, it is also a way of ridiculing whistleblowers and projecting the shame on them.

The Associated Press reports, “A woman who got up from one of the front rows and walked past the stage was asked by Cosby where she was going. When she answered that she was going to the lobby to grab a drink Cosby responded: ‘You have to be careful about drinking around me.’The remark was met with loud applause.”

Haha, right? If you hear your date or potential date describe himself negatively, don’t laugh it off. #datingcoach #coachforwomen #onlinedating #narcissists #predators #selfishmen #redflags

-Kanta Bosniak

About My Coaching

Coaching and Guided Meditation (aka transpersonal hypnosis) is partly listening. What is the goal?

And understanding. What is the limiting belief? What would be a better story?

And intuition. Tuning in to the person’s inner mythology, archetypes, inner essence, and highest potential.

And writing, How would the new story best be told so as to be the most meaningful for this person?

It’s partly the facilitation of relaxation. In other words, teaching the client to get into a meditative state, in which she can best make the shift she wants to make.

And it’s part performance, both improvisational and planned. A performance, or set of performances tailored for an unique, individual. An audience of one.

A very specific and highly specialized combination of skills that I happen to have and have developed over many years. I love this work!

-Kanta Bosniak

The Gift of Time: Goodbye “Try”; Hello, Spiritual Warrior!

With a new year approaching, we are reminded of the realities of time. We may be eternal beings, but we only get so many years to be who we are right now, with this specific set of experiences, understandings and abilities. We have choices. Will we spend our time preparing to live the life we have envisioned, or will we simply decide to take the risk of living that life and do it? “Trying” and “struggling,” at a certain point become not so heroic. They lose their charm and glamor and we see them as what they really are: the pain-body pretending to succeed, while in fact, dedicated to failure. As Yoda said, “There is no ‘try,’ Luke Skywalker. There is only do.”

Timeless Love inspires confidence. The awareness of Time of inspires personal heroism. The sweet spot is to feel as loved as a baby, while at the same time to take the bold, decisive actions of a fully mature spiritual warrior. In truth, the more we let ourselves feel that inner love and surround ourselves with those who love and support us, the braver we can be. Let’s rock 2015, friends!  -Kanta Bosniak

Christmas Memories

Dollhouses, gingerbread houses, train-set worlds, fairy tales, frozen icicles hanging from the big rocks on Lincoln Drive. Christmas lights on the boathouses along the Schuylkill River. My mother making jars and jars of cookies. The magical tree and decorated boughs on every windowsill scenting our whole house. The light show at what they now call Macy’s, but what will always be Wanamaker’s to me.

Always a big party for my father’s Penn folks. Cocktails, music, dancing. Dad p…laying the piano and some lady signing. My little sister and brother and I could hear them from upstairs in my sister’s room, where we had our own little kid party with a pint-sized record player and fancy snacks. To this day, my mainstay supper is a little plate of hors d’oevres and a mug of really good coffee or tea. One of my ways of celebrating Christmas every day

 

 

Happy Solstice!

On our way back home from picking up my Dad at Penn or Christmas shopping in Center City, I liked to look out the window and see the icicles emerging from the wet rocks on Lincoln Drive. They looked so magical. I liked the subtle beauty of browns, grays and whites. So different from the bright colors of Christmas. More about the life that lay dormant, yet powerful, under the surface. Life that would always prevail.  Even its wintry disappearance seemed a kind of mocking of darkness. “You may not see me now”, it sang in its low bass. “But I am always here and I will show myself to you soon enough. Have faith, child.”