Beamer, Bono & Beamers

I’ve been thinking about private people and their public personae. Last week, I was in line at the supermarket checkout with VA Tech football coach Frank Beamer. Despite his iconic status, he looked very much like a humble, sweet man shopping with his beloved wife. I could see that he knew I’d recognized him and probably was hoping I would not try to engage him in conversation, just wanting to be a private guy. I left him alone, of course. Though to be honest, it wasn’t much of a character triumph. Football isn’t my thing. If he had been Bono, I would have abandoned all self-restraint.

If you’re a person who makes his or her living in the public arena at any level: actor, sports coach, musician, author, minister, whatever… you’re not “on” all the time. Sometimes you’re in resting mode. If you believe in what you are doing, you owe it to that thing that’s coming through you to develop the the confidence and willingness to promote it. But you can’t be impressed with your “specialness.”

And it’s good for all of us who are consumers of the work of entertainers, athletes, teachers, writers, and spiritual performance artists to remember that we are as others. We are all on a conveyer belt to enlightenment. We are no better or more important than a pauper and no less so than a star. May we remember that we are Beamers of that light that shines within us all. <3

Ya Gotta Have Heart

Artists, writers, and singer/songwriters, and filmmakers offer a specific vision of life. Whether it inspires compassion, inspiration, fresh new thinking, and joy or whether it deadens, roils up hatred, bores, triggers horror, fear, or despair depends on the state of the creator and of the consumer. I think artists have a sacred responsibility to serve life and help us expand our vision.

That does not mean commerce cannot be involved, Some of the most inspiring creative excellence has come out of advertising. Nor does it mean that the shadow cannot be shown in the picture. it’s in us and in our world, right? And to ignore it is silly. But how does your protagonist deal with his own ego? How does he respond to evil when faced with it?

“Everybody counts or nobody counts” -(Michael Connelly’s) Harry Bosch

The best noir antiheroes have a flinty and uncompromising moral code. It may not be the one held by the systems within which they have to work (or which they work against). But the respect for human life is always there, shining like a diamond in the mud. Our stories need to be about bigger things than revenge, ego, the vicarious trashing of “the other,” or stylish, clever, yet empty cynicism. Ya gotta have heart.

#servicethroughart #servicethroughcreativity #spiritualart #creativitycoach

Always Offer Chocolate

Do’s and Don’t Dept: Don’t attempt to control, co-opt or try to reign on someone’s parade. Let the other dream his own dreams, and hold his own scepter. Yea, ye might even crown him, for when you do you are also crowning yourself and claiming your own rights to the kingdom of your own imagination. Sooner or later, we join our dreams together, by design or inadvertently, as our destiny is the Loving Oneness. But each of us must find our own way there and each has his own special tools and talents to light the path. Should our paths meet along the journey, leave a little space in your embrace for breath and mutual respect, And always offer chocolate, for it is the universal medium of exchange.

The Importance of Commitment

When I interview prospective coaching clients, I screen out the resentful and the apathetic. You have to be willing to commit to accomplish. We’re all committed to something, but that something is not always what we pretend to be committed to . And if what you’re committed to is anger and disappointment, that’s going to be what you get. That is a client who will fail at his pretend goal and succeed at his real one.

On the other hand, if you are committed enough to replace “wishing” with “intending,” that’s the rocket fuel to success. Your fears and doubts will fail and become ever weaker and fainter voices in you head. And YOU will succeed.

Building Intimacy with the No-Shame Apology

The practice of trashing someone and then saying, “bless her heart,” to sanctify the badmouth is a kind of regional joke we laugh about and don’t actually do.

But who among us has not received an “apology” that is basically a long-winded, self-justification and personal attack, capped off with “All Best Wishes” or “Namaste” as if dressing up an insult in a tutu spiritualizes it.

A real apology is not about self-demeaning, but it is about sharing the recognition that one’s words or actions harmed another, making amends, even if the harm was inadvertent, and changing one’s actions moving forward. A real apology includes ownership of the mistake. So should never begin with “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” (when you know you did)  or “I’m sorry that you took it the wrong way.”

A real apology takes both responsibility and empathy. You will only be able to take responsibility without feeling shame i(or projecting your shame on the other) if you  apply compassion to yourself. So, the first thing to do is apply self-empathy.

What need were you trying to meet what you made that mistake? What would have been a better way to meet that need? What underlying erroneous belief might have been driven your original choice? What would be a more resourceful belief on which to base your actions?

Once you find the mistaken thought that drove the mistaken action, and forgiven yourself, you’ll be able to reach out in a way that is much more likely to result in healing, peace, and in the case of close personal relationships, increased trust and intimacy.

An apology is about actually wishing someone all the best. It’s about actually greeting the other soul to soul, where we are one. It’s about honoring both people and strengthening the relationship, whatever it may be- friend, lover, spouse, whomever.

I think it is of the utmost important to teach the fine art of apology to our children. This is how they will learn to grow past selfishness, to become fully mature people, capable of true friendship, It’s part of teaching them to be good citizens and it’s how we build a culture of civility, kindness, and peace.

Get Emotional, Then Get Practical

Just got engaged? Congratulations! Go ahead, get all emotional. Then, get practical. There’s only one other person besides you and your fiancé who HAS to be there. So on your checklist, first book the venue. Then book your officiant. Call me! (540) 577-8854


Wedding Wire Award

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I’m so happy and grateful that this week, I won the Wedding Wire Couple’s Choice Award for Wedding Officiation for the second year in a row! This award goes to the top 5% of wedding professionals nationwide in the Wedding Wire Community, as based on reviews by couples, so is is a real honor and I deeply appreciate it. Thanks so much to all the couples for your kind support. <3 <3

A Touch of Class

It’s important to consider how your date responds to your talents and successes. Does he encourage and support you? Or does he derive his sense of well-being from devaluing others, including you?

Offering a positive model: George Clooney’s light, graceful, and totally cool response at the Globes and in an after show interview. He enthusiastically demonstrated his respect and admiration for wife Amal. as reported by Jenelle Riley of Variety.

“He was a good sport about hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler opening the show with a joke about how he was getting a Lifetime Achievement award despite the amazing accomplishments of his new wife. “I didn’t even think that was a joke,” he said, before adding, “Listen, Tina and Amy kill me. I think they’re the best hosts of this show I’m sorry they’re not going to do it again.”

Observe and listen. Is he gallant? Encouraging? A selfish man is a man with a very fragile ego. He will often bait the target of his conquest with flattery and then, once he feels he has secured her commitment to him, begin a devaluing process to assure himself that he is the man he wishes he were: Top Boss, and in control of everyone, as if they were his possessions. Do not be impressed by overzealous compliments and do not tolerate putdowns, whether direct or indirect (left-handed compliment, sarcasm, unsolicited inventory or advice calculated to make you doubt yourself).

A man doesn’t have to be wealthy, famous, wear a tux to fancy dinners, or look like a modern Cary Grant to show his class. He only needs to have a decent sense of who he is, be kind, and act like a gentleman.
#datingcoach #coachforwomen #selfishmen #narcissists #redflags #onlinedating


Dating Advice for Women: Self-Protection 101: Listen

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Sometimes a predator alert can be as simple as listening to the words a man says and taking them seriously, rather than as a joke. In other words, believe what you hear. Don’t dismiss it and don’t rationalize it. The selfish man has no conscience and will not feel genuine remorse. But sometimes, he will blurt out his truth on impulse, when he has nothing left to lose, for an ego thrill, or as a kind of manipulation. “If I say the truth,” he figures, “it will sound so preposterous that people will be disarmed by it and believe the opposite.” When done by public people, it is also a way of ridiculing whistleblowers and projecting the shame on them.

The Associated Press reports, “A woman who got up from one of the front rows and walked past the stage was asked by Cosby where she was going. When she answered that she was going to the lobby to grab a drink Cosby responded: ‘You have to be careful about drinking around me.’The remark was met with loud applause.”

Haha, right? If you hear your date or potential date describe himself negatively, don’t laugh it off. #datingcoach #coachforwomen #onlinedating #narcissists #predators #selfishmen #redflags

-Kanta Bosniak

About My Coaching

Coaching and Guided Meditation (aka transpersonal hypnosis) is partly listening. What is the goal?

And understanding. What is the limiting belief? What would be a better story?

And intuition. Tuning in to the person’s inner mythology, archetypes, inner essence, and highest potential.

And writing, How would the new story best be told so as to be the most meaningful for this person?

It’s partly the facilitation of relaxation. In other words, teaching the client to get into a meditative state, in which she can best make the shift she wants to make.

And it’s part performance, both improvisational and planned. A performance, or set of performances tailored for an unique, individual. An audience of one.

A very specific and highly specialized combination of skills that I happen to have and have developed over many years. I love this work!

-Kanta Bosniak